They say that you know you’re doing something that the enemy doesn’t like when you get hit hard by him. Well I must be doing something great ‘cause I got hit hard this past summer.

You see I was on a mission trip to Egypt, this past August. Actually more like a get my feet wet and learn about life as a missionary in the Middle East from someone I thought would be a great mentor. This great and wonderful opportunity blew up in my face! Just think of a couple really bad case scenarios and one on them might be what happened to me. I mean really bad….

I got hit hard, and I fell apart. Plummeting like a rocket from space, with the intense fire and all, into deep depression, I returned home with a few oppressive demonic friends on my back. I fell apart. Depression where you can’t get out of bed and do anything you can think of to escape. (Including getting drunk.) I fell back into a dark habit from my past that I thought I got rid of- Cutting. I hit rock bottom.

I would like to say that once I hit that official rock bottom where I had now left a carving of my question to God on my leg that will now be with me the rest of my life; and was ready to take my life, I found that magic prayer and connection with God that pulled me through. No. Sometimes that saving swoop of God doesn’t come. Sometimes you have to struggle out of the hole your in. That was and I must admit is, my case.

This trip, this slap in the face was a dark reminder of past hurts and the nagging lies in my life that I’ve never really dealt with. I just ignored them or ran away from them. This is God’s way of getting me to face them, for others to see that they need to face theirs. Also now I have a unique piece of my life that will bring a strong connection with woman all over the world who have been through what I have. This is a very important battle in my life which God won’t allow me to push the easy, come and swoop me out of this God, button.

The great and strong Christian that I am, fell back into depression often. Having to have those around me come and pull me out of bed. I had to go for surprise 11 o’clock visits to my sister’s because I was about to cut again. I still find my self slipping in and out of depression. 

Facing things from my past I don’t want to face. Facing the parts of myself I don’t want to face. Dispelling the lies I’ve functioned out of for so long, what I thought (and I must admit still feel) is necessity to survive, for so long. This is scary stuff and it takes a lot out of you to fight the enemy who comes and harasses you  consistently, and all the while trying your best to regain the trust you had for God, while He wisely steps back (to a degree) so you can finish you battle.

“The dark night of the Soul” That is what its been prophetically called. Perfect right! I can’t get the quick fix. The magical prayer that used to work now doesn’t, I have to fight this. I have to go through this struggle. I’m not being the super strong Christian many of us wish we were, and most of us think we are. I am weak giving in at times to the depression, the anger and rage, and to the unforgiving hate. I’ve even given in to the craving for my own blood, compromising with the enemy who wants to kill me, just so I can sleep at night. I look at the weak person I am now, and wonder what happened, but deep inside where hope lies when all screams there is none, I know it is important that I go through this personal hell. I know that the redemption that will come out of this will far supersede the pain I face now. Many are already changed by the path I must cross now, I am already connecting with hurt woman in a way I never could before. Faith is rising up inside of me and I’ve already deflected some pretty big hits from the enemy. I’m talking to God again, and soon I will be able to worship again. I’m going through a soul makeover now and it hurts like hell, but it is really good for me. I can truly say God is good and faithful and He will get me through this.  

Yea! Heading to Egypt from August 2nd to the 24th! This will give me a chance to really see what being a missionary is like in a Middle Eastern country. Well sort of.

I really want things to move along faster in my life, but that isn't God is it. He loves a process. I need to be content with the life I live now, yet I find it very hard to be. Why is it that I can't be happy in the moment? I have so much to be happy about, I'm doing a lot while I'm hear. And the things I enjoy now I will not have the chance to enjoy again.

Enjoy Becky. Love the time you are in.